


How Does a Flower Grow?

by draig_asec



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I am so sorry for this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nonbinary Charlie Dalton, Nonbinary Steven Meeks, Not Canon Compliant, Soft and sad, Steven Meeks-centric, mostly soft mourning, or at least not for what happens after Neil’s death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29365134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draig_asec/pseuds/draig_asec
Summary: In the aftermath of Neil Perry's death, friends are brought closer and some realise they cannot afford to lose what they have
Relationships: Implied/Reference Todd Anderson/Neil Perry, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson & Steven Meeks
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	How Does a Flower Grow?

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry, this is kinda rushed because I wrote it very fast please notify me of any mistakes, dyslexia and adhd do not make a good editor and none of my friends will willingly beta my stuff.  
> Also I am sorry again. I’m like acknowledging the unspeakable in this and not making it the whole point.  
> UPDATE: I have edited it again, it is still very sad but hopefully more legible.

It took forever for Todd to come back after he cried in the snow, but once he did Charlie had slowly dragged him in from the cold with Meeks help, and everyone but eh and Meeks had gone away. The three sat together sprawled in Todd and Neil’s room all uncomfortably aware that the fourth friend would never return. Pitts had sat with them for a bit but eventually left, with a squeeze of Meeks hand and the saddest smile on his tear-stained face. 

  
Meeks sat at the foot of Todd’s bed, actively avoiding looking at or touching any of Neil’s possessions. He felt oddly sick as he fiddled with Todd’s blanket in one hand, and petted Todd’s head softly wear it lied on his leg. 

  
“H-how can he be gone,” Todd asked, maybe more to himself than his company, while Meeks absently wondered if he could sneak away to be with Pitts. Not because he didn’t enjoy Todd or Charlie’s company, no he loved his friends, even the quietest and loudest, but Meeks didn’t want to be the strong one offering comfort at the moment, he wanted to push his and Pitts beds together, like they often did when one was sad, and entangle himself completely in his best friend until they both felt strong enough to face the other poets. He stared numbly at the floor, wondering what had actually happened, the school believed Neil dead, there wasn’t another option though, he had shot himself, apparently not long after going home with his parents, but that’s all any of the poets had learned, and Meeks couldn’t find a reason as to why the other would do such a thing. He and Charlie had been talking to Neil for weeks, about building up savings so their friend could go to a performing arts school, study acting while Charlie switched to music and Meeks wreaked havoc on the robotics department, they had a whole plan, with the possible exception that Meeks might, possibly, not join them to follow Pitts to Yale. They were making plans, big plans, that didn’t involve missing their chances. That didn’t involve Neil’s bastard father pushing whatever button he did to make Neil pull that stupid trigger. Meeks glared at the floor with all the hate he felt for the elder Perry and wondered silently if it wasn’t him who did it if the bastard wouldn’t shoot his own son.

  
“I-“ Charlie started to speak from eir place on the floor, shocking Meeks out of his thoughts again, and making him turn to look at the other, face smoothing out as he looked at the brunettes tear-stained face, “I don’t really know. His old man’s a dick, but I didn’t think Neil would ever do anything like that,” 

  
“It’s not fair,” Meeks said, leaning his head against the wall as he moved his hand to pet Todd’s hair where his head lied on his leg. Remembering idly how Pitts had don’t it to him just that morning, large warm hands, like a safety blanket. He wished he was still there.

  
“I never got the chance to say it back,” Todd said, and the other two looked at him, Charlie still refusing to cry again, and Meeks barely blinking back his tears, half focused on his friend and half just wishing he didn’t have to be the one taking care of everything, Neil was the ring leader, sure, the one who brought them together but Meeks was always the one who kept the peace, kept Charlie from killing Cameron, and vice versa kept Neil’s dramatics from getting them caught and Charlie’s pranks from getting anyone expelled, kept Knox’s heart from completely breaking after each and every girl rejected him.

  
“Say what Anderson,” Charlie asked, as eh played with a ball that Meeks wasn’t sure where it originated from. Perhaps something eh stole from Knox, it almost looked like the one he had bought Pitts for his birthday, but the colours were off, and he wondered who Charlie stole it from. He tried to block out his friends' actions and focus on Todd who had not answered but now sobbed slightly harder, burying his face in Steven’s leg as the ginger boy petted his hair softly and let his own tears fall silently. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, besides to lay with Pitts, everything was such a mess right now he couldn’t bother to try and think of all he wanted, but if forced to make a list, it would go like this;

  
1.) To be with Pitts.

  
2.) To beat the shit out of Thomas Bitchface Perry.

  
3.) For Neil to come back and be okay, so he can slap the idiot for leaving them.

  
4.) To cry and not have to take care of anyone else. Except maybe Pitts. He could take care of Pitts.

  
Todd took a shaking breath, and rolled away before looking to the ceiling, and spoke, voice shaky and somehow even rawer than before, something Meeks couldn’t even comprehend, “he h-had kissed me,” he told them, a confession he was unlikely to make again once the three left this room, and both his friends looked at him with wide eyes, “he h-ad kissed me and he told me he lo-lo,” he blinked back his tears and cried more barely managing the first symbol of his words,” loved me. He- he just-st hours ago to-told me and now I-I-I’ll never see him again,” he was cut off by his own sobs as he curled back into Meeks shocked side, who just absently continued his attempts at comfort as he shared a shocked look with Charlie who seemed just as surprised. He thought to himself how Neil could do that, to say you love someone and then abandon them the same day. It didn’t seem fair.

  
The two of them had lost a friend, a close friend who they had lived with, cared for, and loved for years, but in the end a friend. They looked at Todd who had lost more. The person he loved had taken his own life, and he had missed his chance. Meeks stilled his hand at the base of Todd’s neck, rubbing his thumb lightly, and whispered all he could manage, “I’m so sorry,” an empty apology for something he had no control or base understanding for, but that broke his heart none the less. They lapsed into another silence, the only sounds filling the room were now that of cut-off sobs and the boy whipping tears from their faces every few moments. They sat for maybe 30 minutes like that when a knock sounded. 

  
Even though none of the three bothered to answer, a few seconds later Knox opened the door and leaned against the frame, red-eyed and stiff, “We have to go down for dinner,” he said, avoiding the eyes of his friends, but had walked across the room to help Charlie up when eh lifter eir hand for assistance, and absently Meeks noted that neither let go as they walked to the door watching the two on the bed. He silently prayed he could hold Pitts hand at dinner, everything about the other boy was larger, but they fit together well, often having no problem wrapping their bodies together, even if it was sometimes awkward positions. Meeks blinks silently and turned to look down at Todd why didn’t move an inch. 

  
“Do you think you could eat now?” Meeks inquired gently, brushing Todd’s hair away from his face with soft fingers.

  
“I-I don’t think so,” Todd mumbled, pushing his face back into Meeks’ leg.

  
“Could you at least try, just a little bit?” Meeks questioned again, pushing slightly, but continuing to gently massage Todd’s neck and head.

  
After a moment of silence, and a few times Knox glared at Charlie when eh started to open eir mouth the speak, Todd gave a small nod, and preceded, to awkwardly stand, and Meeks wrapped him in a half hug as the four began making their way to the dining rooms, they smiled at Cameron and Pitts who were sitting awkwardly at the table waiting, Cameron already stuffing his face, seeming desperate to do something, and Pitts, with his long legs, pressed awkwardly into the table and his head bowed down only lifting it shortly to nod at the others, pushed his food around his plate silently.

  
They all sat silently at the table, not even Charlie would dare speak now, some eating most just staring at the food. Pitts had just given up, following Todd’s example and resting his head uncomfortably against his arms, while Meeks slowly and somewhat absently rubbed circles between his shoulder blades. His thoughts more focused on how tense they were drawn up, but how nice they felt, and how soon he could be with his best friend again so he didn’t have to be the only one giving comfort. 

  
Soon the pathetic attempt at normalcy ended and the boys were making their way upstairs to their dorms. Halfway up Pitts grabbed Meeks arm softly, looking down at the other, “can we go to the roof,” he asked, with a barely-there pleading tone Meeks had come to know well, and though it broke his heart Meeks shook his head slightly.

  
“I’m gonna spend some time with Todd, but I’ll meet you there before showers,” he whispered back, giving a small hug to the other, and nearly completely melting when he felt Pitts larger frame wrap tightly around him, Todd, Charlie and, Cameron all watched the exchange from a little bit ahead, unable to hear, but when the two looked up and turned to their friends, Todd had a bittersweet smile, and nodded silently at Meeks before continuing up the stairs. Pitts gave him a questioning look and Meeks shrugged, not sure what exactly Todd was on about, but soon we’re following him only a few steps behind everyone else. Once back in his dorm Todd sat on the bed with Meeks again, the ginger holding him close, Charlie had bailed eh had to speak to Keating about something, Meeks wondered why but didn’t waste much thought on it, instead, he rubbed his hand against Todd’s forearm and spoke softly, “I promised Pitts I would meet him soon, so I can’t stay long, but I’m here to talk whenever you need it, Charlie may be a bit insensitive at times, but we both care about you,” he told the other boy, as he pulled him somehow closer.

  
“You should tell him,” Todd whispered instead of responding to anything Meeks had said.

  
“What are you on about now?” He asked, going back to bushing Todd’s hair, he wondered idly if the other found it comforting as he continued, he knew it helped Pitts, the larger boy often asked Meeks to play with his short hair at night saying it made him feel safe, Meeks hoped Todd felt safe, and it had been something his mother used to do as a child, but he wasn’t sure what effect it had for the blonde boy in his arms.

  
“Tell him. Pitts, he deserves to know how you feel,” Todd answered, and Meeks didn’t bother to wonder how Todd knew about his feelings, he often thought if Nolan’s head wasn’t half up his ass even he would know how in love with Gerard Pitts Meeks was, everyone but Pitts had at least cracked a joke about it at one point, but Meeks cute himself off as Todd buried his face in the crook of his neck and attempted to curling even closer before beginning to speak again, only barley stumbling over his words now, “Don’t wait too long, y-you’re too kind to fe-feel this way,” they sat in silence a moment more before Meeks nodded.

  
“I couldn’t imagine the pain you’re in Todd, we all love Neil, but you are in love with him, I don’t know how you’re so strong. You are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known Todd Anderson,” he said looking down at the other boy.

  
“I-I don’t feel st-strong,”

  
“None of us do right now,”

  
***

  
Todd had eventually fell asleep not long after they lasted into another silence and Meeks went up the stairs, climbing by them slowly hoping Pitts wasn’t waiting long in the cold when he spotted the taller boy Pitts sitting on the ledge playing with their radio.

  
“Hey,” he said, getting just a small, teary, crooked smile from his friend, who finally got music playing.

  
“I was going to get tickets, to this play over break, figured we’d all go on a road trip, bring the radio, I thought it would be great, I thought Neil would love it,” Pitts said, always more talkative when they were alone, best friends since the ripe age of 11 and never far apart, Meeks was probably the only one who had ever heard Pitts talk this much. He often thought it was the best blessing he’d ever been given, the honour of hearing Pitts voice more than anyone else, and he smiled at the thought, of Neil and Todd laughing silently while Charlie and Cameron fought, maybe with an annoyed, once again single, Knox between then, their favourite station blaring loudly as the drive.

  
“He would have loved it,” he said, before sitting next to the other, the music played softly, some love song Meeks thought he had heard before but couldn’t remember the name of.

  
“Do you think we’ll be okay?” Pitts whispered, leaning his head against the top of Meeks’, in an almost hug before sitting up. 

  
“I don’t know, but Todd told me something,” Meeks started, moving to fiddle with his fingers as Pitts sat straighter to look at him, he wasn’t sure if he actually was ready to tell Pitts, but he had been in love with the other, and well aware of it, since two months before his 13th birthday, so with faux bravery he spoke louder, “he told me how he regretted something-“ he took a deep breath, breathing wasn’t a weakness-“ and I don’t want to miss my chance,”

  
“What are you talking about?”

  
“I love you,”

“I love you too,” Pitts said without hesitation smiling sadly at his friend, “you know that,”

  
“No Gerard, I love you,” Meeks said staring his friend in the eyes trying not to hide, Todd was right, don’t miss the one chance you get, “and I don’t want to miss any possible chance to tell you, I don’t know if you feel the same but-“ he fell silent as Pitts grabbed his face, one large hand cupping his cheek and soon followed by chapped, broken lips pressing softly against the other.

  
“I love you too,” he said again, pulling back to look him in the eyes. Tears shined, welling up as he whispered once more in a broken voice, “I love you, Stevie,”.

  
And soon Meeks' hand was wrapped around his jaw as they kissed, broken lips meeting soft, and both chose to ignore the salty taste of tears and the held closely. There were no fireworks, or magical moment, like what they read in poems and books Keating had brought them to love, no taste of potion or home, like Knox had ranted about the night before when he had kissed Chris. No, none of those nonsensical fairytale items, just the pleasant all-consuming feeling of being wrapped in each other, the warmth of their bodies pressed together, and the swelling feelings of their now calm beating hearts together in harmony.

  
This was their love song, of years together, slowly growing from the ground with beauty and care like a delicate flower, made stronger by the sky’s warm smiles and fed by life’s teardrop.

  
As they pulled apart, foreheads pressing together with tear-stained faces and broken smiles, Meeks sent a silent prayer to any deity listening, by mostly the beat-up God resting in the cave, that he never has to live without this feeling again.


End file.
